Thursday, January 31, 2008
Internal Struggle
I struggle with what to say. I struggle with who I think I am and who I let people believe I am. I struggle with low self confidence and crippling shyness. I struggle with the future. I struggle with the present. Point is I freakin' struggle.
I think everyone struggles and if they don't then they lie. I've just been thinking about my struggles lately.
The biggest thing that pisses me off about me is being shy. I am so shy up to a point. Once I get to know someone, once I'm comfortable then I am fine. There is just that gray area that I have a hard time getting over. I think half of it is just who I am. The other part is a mixture of the fear I gained from home videos of me when I was five and I was a fucking spaz. I'm suprised I never got the shit kicked out of me. I don't want to be that spazzy weirdo. I don't think I really am, sure once in a while I'll get giddy and have a little spaz-za to me but who doesn't? And yeah I may seem spazzy on my blog. That's different. I'm hiding behind words and a Dell. The other part is mixed up with slight fears of becoming my mother, who I love like no other...seriously. I love my mommy. I'm the spitting image of her physically. I have her face. And while I'd love to have certian qualities of hers I. ... I don't know. I don't want to be her. Then maybe another part of it is I tend to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to deal with my dad. I love my dad, he just makes me crazy at times. He's quick to say things like "oh, that's not good" or "pitiful job" and slow to give compliments. Tough love, I can deal with it. But god, once in a while say nice freakin' job. I'm not asking for never ending praise. I'm not. I'm heading down a career path that quite frankly will be sparing with the praise and quick with the criticism. I got it. I can handle it. I'm just saying I'd like a pat on the back once in a while ya know?
Anyway. I struggle. Don't know why I'm thinking about it more now. Maybe it's the upcoming birthday (holla!) or I'm just curious of the reaction to come when I tell them I've officially declared a double major and am going to write a grant proposal for undergraduate reserch for sure. They already know that I was thinking about the research and already my dad asked what's there to benfit from it? Come on. It's...it's huge. Yes it is a paper and yes not on a topic that will change the world like finding a cure for AIDS but to say you got a grant it's just...a big deal in the world of academics. Very few people do them and even less from the social sciences. I don't know. Why can't it just be what it is.
Le sigh.
My recent struggle is with my toilet. Nasty water ring. The estrogen in my wants it cleaned while that wife/mother/woman instinct remains dormanit for the time. So I try to clean it, I've tried lots of stuff. My struggle is half of me is bothered by it while the other says "take a look around at your bathroom. That ring is nothing compared to the drain in the shower. let it lie"
So I am.
Yes! Lots of CSI:Miami on last night. I just...Horatio is so the man! His head tilt, his well chosen words. He just seems like an unlikey person to care as much as he does. Though I have noticed, his eyelashes are kinda girly.
Alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllright. enough with this! I'm hungry, must eat before it gets too late.
Later my homes.
PS the spellcheck isn't working so yeah. sorry. I'm not a stellar speller. (that sounded cool)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Century and a half
Good news! No, I didn't see a dog today. Haven't seen one in quite a while actually. But anyway, this is my 150th post. Wooooooooooo! (insert sparklers, fireworks, noise makers here) Right I don't really have a celebration planned or anything just noticed it was 150. (so instead insert the sound of crickets)
In other good news, my one and only class was cancelled today on account of weather. So I peaked outside and its as sunny as the Caribbean out. So that means it's colder then a witch's titty. (ew. I don't like that word) It is. Negative 20. It was colder last week and no one cancelled their classes but oh well. Not going to complain, I take what I can get.
I noticed a while back while looking at a picture of Bucky Badger, don't remember why I was looking at him, in the pictures of him when he looks pissed off he looks like Abe Lincoln. What's that? You think I'm crazy? Well it might take a little imagination but you take a looksee.

Holy crap he's huge! See the face? See the lip curl, the angry eyebrows and the total look of intimidation? Now look at El Presidente

Do you see what I'm talking about? They both have a similar mouth and fierce eyebrows. Ok so this picture of Lincoln isn't the best but it's what I could find. And by the way, look at Lincoln's ear! It's freakin' huge! What the hell!
Oh if you wanna be a badger just come along with me and something something something by the bright side of the moon! Cha!
I'm a little off in in my Wisconsin fight songs. Though I do have Varsity and On Wisconsin down at least.
Vaaaaarsity! Vaaaaarsity! U Rah rah Wisssconsin. Praise-- no I won't do the whole thing.
Alright I need to make like a tree and get the hell outta here. I have homework to do. And son of a nutcracker why can't you connect to blogger internet! Uh ohs. Oh. All better.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Regulations
Strawberry by the way. Wtf? Bifidus Regularis? Regularis sounds like someone trying to sound smart. Or when people say things like El Spoon-o.
Mmm. Yogurt makes me thirsty.
Enough with the damn yogurt already. I don't really have much to say, just sort of sitting here with nothing better to do. I'm going to bed soon to read and don't want to get sucked into homework (ha!) so I'm wasting some time. Boy. 8AM class is a pain in my ass. Though it's sort of nice in a weird way. Can't really dread going there since I wake up an hour before it starts. The day is done a little earlier which is nice. I'll be done with classes tomorrow before I'd even start them on Wednesday. It's a weird schedule but it has perks.
Uh huh. Moved on to some cream cheese won tons now. and more milk. I'm going to be seriously pissed if I get osteoporosis when I get old because I drink enough milk that I've been thinking I should just get a cow. (1% just as an FYI)
Alright. This has been a bit wasteful. I should just finish my food and then read my book. The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway. Just for the fun of it. Then after that on my list is The Last Nine Innings which is should be called the CSI of baseball according to a quote on the cover from the Library Journal. Picked it up because I like the behind the scenes look and then was pleased to find out also has a dramatic pitch-by-pitch account of the 2001 World Series. Just guess while I'd take a liking to the '01 World Series. Then after that I bought The Origin of Species by Mr Charles Darwin himself. I figure if I'm going to call myself a Darwin-ista then I should at least read the written word. (There are finches on the cover, go figure)
It is my goal to get all the classics. Well, maybe not them all but in that section of Barns and Noble on the West Side behind the reference desk, most of those. The Barns and Noble Classics. Cheap too. I like to collect things that I find useful. Tshirts, useful. Lighters, useful though I don't smoke... regularly. Books, useful and beautiful.
Right-o. I just distracted myself for ten minutes reading parts of the baseball book.
I am a dork.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
"Why Christianity?" Don't ask me, ask my pamphlet
Again at work, again by a woman. Don't know if it was the same one though. I don't find this pamphlet as insulting as the last since it's posing a question that I find to be less brash then the last. Why Christianity? Hmm. Ok, that's better then asking if I'm good enough to go to heaven. I haven't really looked through it so I don't have any rage as of right now. Though I am looking at the list of the four major religions and I don't doubt that Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam and well, Christianity (duh) have a shit ton of followers but what about Judaism? Are the Jews getting the shaft again? As if they haven't had to deal with enough...
Anyway. Shall we see what this pamphlet has in store? Yes? Alright.
Mmmhm. An airplane metaphor. I must choose one of the following: The Original Mona Lisa, keys to a new Lamborghini, millon gee's cash or a parachute. Dang! I need to choose wisely so I can jump out of the plane. My gut is telling me to go parachute but, BUT! I could take the million in cash and make a parachute and then get the best out of both worlds right? Right. I'll take the million Alex. (In Angels and Demons that dude, whats his face Robert Langdon? Jumped outta a chopper with a rug. Whoops if I just spoiled you.)
The word choices for italics as great. "It should, because you need the parachute. " Ah nuts. The loving and merciful god does not exist. He's a figment of the imagination and if you think he is loving and merciful congratulations you have just broke a commandment by committing IDOLATRY! Man oh man. No lying, no lusting no nothing. I would be willing to bet (though I'm guessing that just might be breaking some rule) that Mr Ray Comfort (HA! Comfort my ass!) has lied, has lusted, has been a bad boy at one point or another. And lets remember from the previous pamphlet there is no making it up to god. You're fucked.
Oh please! Saying you don't believe in hell is "like standing in the open door of a plane 10,000 feet off the ground and saying, 'I don't believe there will be any consequences.'" Um Mr Comfort? Hi yeah. I find a flaw with this. It doesn't take a Rhode Scholar to know that if you jump you're gonna become liquid inside your skin upon impact. I can't see hell. Call me old fashion in wanting some evidence.
God must be unspeakable angry at wickedness. Ok and remember kids, girls have a button and boys have a pole and wicked touching takes its toll.
God gets angry at fornication. Hmm. But then how will he get more followers if believers aren't slammin' other believers?
Blah blah blah. Oh the comparison to other religions. This should outrage those followers. Hinduism and reincarnation. mm. Saying you might come back as a prince is like saying you'll get sucked back into the plane as another passenger. Um I think there might be more but ok? Buddhism denies that God exists. ... can I go be with them? Islam. I'm surprised Mr Comfort doesn't call them all terrorists. He seems to like them best. Coincidence? I don't know but the way Comfort is talking I could see him at being at the next Klan rally.
Oooooh. He totally just called Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons a cult! Funny, I'd think that's a word I'd associate with him.
And he is totally plugging his products! Making a pretty penny off of God seems a little bad to me. "Ray Comfort is a best-selling author of more than 60 books. He also co-hosts an award-winning television program (with actor Kirk Cameron)" Kirk Cameron? Mikey? NOOOOOOOOO! Mike from Growing Pains! NOOO!
Ok enough with that.
Watched the revamped Trading Spaces today and seriously? What the hell is up with the emotional side? "Oh two ex lovers remake each others bedroom. Can this working in each others intimate space bridge the gap between the two since their break up?" Well they used to work in each others intimate space and that did something for them once. Ooooh! I'm filthy.
Watched a lot of CSI the last few days. Doesn't matter which one, take your pick. I'm partial to Miami though. I won't make a point to sit down and watch it but if I'm flipping through and it's on then I'm watching it. Horatio is my favorite. Such a strange man who talks strange. Soft yet with a certain husk to it like he has a two pack a day habit. And he cocks his head like a puppy a lot.
Alright I'm finished. Finally.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Sometimes, when I'm...
No not really. Anyway. Sometimes I get creative impulses. Just had one. Colored all over the place. Used my spiffy (wow I haven't said that word in five years) charcoal pencil and a pencil that can write on ANYTHING! and some oil pastels. I call them creapas. But I don't know if that is spelled right so I'll just stick with oil pastels. Didn't draw anything fantastic, just felt like it. Now I got stuff on my hands. Eh well.
Listening to some Tom Waits right now. Listened to the whole Orphans album which is three CD's and now onto The Heart of Saturday Night. Highly, highly recommend him to anyone. He sounds nothing like the Chili Peppers but I think there is the similarity between the two. RHCP are very smart and cleaver with their words. What they say is so perfect and so uniquely done. Tom Waits is like that. Just has a way with words. Taking something plain and making it so much more but without using too many words. It's hard to explain.
So the weekend has started for me. Holla! Don't have anything exciting planned, probably homework at some point. Reading. Seeing though it is the start of a semester I start off doing the readings and then I start to fade.
Probably going to start writing for the campus newspaper again this semester which is good. Gotta get my clips man. Already got some from when I wrote for them last school year for a semester but I need some more. Want to work my way into the opinion section so I gotta put my time in in another. I should see if I could get a job at the O-town Observer over the summer even if it is only part time. Don't know, must look into such things.
How sad. I'm sleepy. It's not even 1030. I don't think I've had a stellar night's sleep since Saturday.
Spring Training starts soon. Pitchers and catchers report in less then a month. I would give my left kidney (to someone in need, not the black market) to go down for spring break. Not going to happen so my kidney will stay with its rightful owner. Though good news! Might be going to DC over the summer! Yay! I guess mine and Ashley's bitching finally chipped away at my parents' lead hearts when it comes to their children and vacations. Speaking of my parents, today it my mom's 50th birthday! Hello AARP card! I find it a little strange the AARP is for retired people says so right there in the name and you get your card at 50. Most people aren't retired at that age. Maybe they once were. Whoa whoa whoa. Totally just thought about my parents retiring and weird! Why I don't know but still...weird!
Ok moving on. Um. Uh. No I don't have anything else to say.
Have a nice Friday.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Oh Lucky Pee!
I remember what I was going to say yesterday. How could I forget it was about the Packers loss. Well it's easy for me to forget since I really don't care too much about the Packers. Anyway, through the whole game whenever they showed Eli Manning, which was all the time since the Packers were barely on offense, I thought how strange enough I sort of like the name Eli. It's short for something, what I don't really know but it falls into the category of what I like to call strange normal names. Names that are unique yet wouldn't lead to an ass whoopin' on the playground like some names. (I'm looking at you Apple and Coco. And moon unit or whatever it is. Poor kids) With Eli it's a name that can be paired with most last names which is always good. It's short, its sweet. When you spell it the letters sound like the name. E-L-I. Get it? Good. Though my only problem with it is if I were to name a child Eli I would have issues with writing it. I'm not a fan of capital E's, they don't make good for continuing to the next letter in one swoop. At least not with an l, since I'm not a fan of cursive L's. Yes alright. Say it. I'm weird, I know. But that's how I role. When I sign Katelin I don't cursive my l and sometimes I miss the cross on the t and well my signature is messed up. (and yes I wrote Eli a few times. Leave me alone!)
Wow was that weird.
So good news, finally have my bible back in my life. And by bible I mean the Associated Press Stylebook. Went a semester with out using it and now here he is, back by my side. My best friend, so they tell me. Presidents are sworn in on a bible and doctors say the Hippocratic Oath. Journalists in this country should swear to the editors of AP with their writing hand on the stylebook. I learn all sorts of crazy stuff from this book! Like I was flipping through it to check a reference and saw Saturday night special and it said "see weapons" So I went to weapons and you know what a Saturday night special is? "The popular name for the type of cheap pistol used for impulsive crimes." Who woulda known? Not I. Now I do. Thank you AP! One change from the 2006 to the 2007 model is how the AP now handles phone numbers. mmhm. Check it out, there shouldn't be any parenthesis around area codes. Though the AP did mess up and it is in the book both ways I guess. So I guess it's a coin flip.
Alright. Should do some stuff before my first and only class of the day at 345. hehe.
Ta.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Welcome Back, Blogger
Anyway. Day one of classes over with. Not bad, not bad. Don't like having to wake up at 7 AM but otherwise so far so good.
I was trying to think back to winter break to see if I ever had any blog ideas. I did. But I don't quite remember what they were. I have one written down which I'll save for a later date. (that's right. get excited...ew not like that pervs.) So I really don't have much to say today. Got some homework to do already. What the hell is that all about? I'm a little peeved at myself for forgetting to buy more ink for my printer over break. I have enough black ink but it won't let me print anymore because I don't have any magenta left. Well, if I'm not going to print in color why won't you let me print printer?! Stop being stupid. I even choose the print in black and white option but nooooo it's all "hell no. get me some magenta and we'll talk"
Ahhhhhh. I don't know what to have for supper. Went to Sentry to use some coupons I had that were going to expire so I could have some taquitos. Or some hot dogs. Or soup. I have a lot of soup. I should eat some of it. Ooooh grilled cheese and tomato soup! Yes! That sounds delicious, that is what I'm having. Be jealous.
Yeah I got nothing really to say obviously.
Catch ya on the flip side.