Internal Struggle

I struggle with a lot of things.

I struggle with what to say. I struggle with who I think I am and who I let people believe I am. I struggle with low self confidence and crippling shyness. I struggle with the future. I struggle with the present. Point is I freakin' struggle.

I think everyone struggles and if they don't then they lie. I've just been thinking about my struggles lately.

The biggest thing that pisses me off about me is being shy. I am so shy up to a point. Once I get to know someone, once I'm comfortable then I am fine. There is just that gray area that I have a hard time getting over. I think half of it is just who I am. The other part is a mixture of the fear I gained from home videos of me when I was five and I was a fucking spaz. I'm suprised I never got the shit kicked out of me. I don't want to be that spazzy weirdo. I don't think I really am, sure once in a while I'll get giddy and have a little spaz-za to me but who doesn't? And yeah I may seem spazzy on my blog. That's different. I'm hiding behind words and a Dell. The other part is mixed up with slight fears of becoming my mother, who I love like no other...seriously. I love my mommy. I'm the spitting image of her physically. I have her face. And while I'd love to have certian qualities of hers I. ... I don't know. I don't want to be her. Then maybe another part of it is I tend to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to deal with my dad. I love my dad, he just makes me crazy at times. He's quick to say things like "oh, that's not good" or "pitiful job" and slow to give compliments. Tough love, I can deal with it. But god, once in a while say nice freakin' job. I'm not asking for never ending praise. I'm not. I'm heading down a career path that quite frankly will be sparing with the praise and quick with the criticism. I got it. I can handle it. I'm just saying I'd like a pat on the back once in a while ya know?

Anyway. I struggle. Don't know why I'm thinking about it more now. Maybe it's the upcoming birthday (holla!) or I'm just curious of the reaction to come when I tell them I've officially declared a double major and am going to write a grant proposal for undergraduate reserch for sure. They already know that I was thinking about the research and already my dad asked what's there to benfit from it? Come on. It's...it's huge. Yes it is a paper and yes not on a topic that will change the world like finding a cure for AIDS but to say you got a grant it's just...a big deal in the world of academics. Very few people do them and even less from the social sciences. I don't know. Why can't it just be what it is.

Le sigh.

My recent struggle is with my toilet. Nasty water ring. The estrogen in my wants it cleaned while that wife/mother/woman instinct remains dormanit for the time. So I try to clean it, I've tried lots of stuff. My struggle is half of me is bothered by it while the other says "take a look around at your bathroom. That ring is nothing compared to the drain in the shower. let it lie"
So I am.

Yes! Lots of CSI:Miami on last night. I just...Horatio is so the man! His head tilt, his well chosen words. He just seems like an unlikey person to care as much as he does. Though I have noticed, his eyelashes are kinda girly.

Alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllright. enough with this! I'm hungry, must eat before it gets too late.

Later my homes.

PS the spellcheck isn't working so yeah. sorry. I'm not a stellar speller. (that sounded cool)