160 million reasons why

So CC Sabathia has traded in the ball and glove logo for pinstripes. Yankee pinstripes.

I hate the Yankees.

The deal? A mere 160 million dollars over seven years. That comes to about 22 million a season or some person went far enough to calculate how much he'd make per pitch. Using the basic 100 pitches an outing, five man rotation, it comes to about $800 a pitch.

Holy shit. This is why baseball needs a salary cap. People say salary caps are unfair because it hurts a teams prospect of getting a strong roster. Bull shit mama! I've done minimal research (googled it, read the top 2-3 articles so really I know next to nothing) and the only team that would be hurt would be the Yankees. Go figure. People say it would hurt with talent distribution or some shit. If you wanna talk about talent the worst thing when it comes to it are expansion teams. Adding teams like the Diamondbacks and Marlins meant 50 players who would have not been on a big league roster made it. Salary cap does nothing to the talent pool, it just means teams like the Yankees can't drop millions upon millions on players.

My argument is yeah it's fun when your team wins. But what fun is it if your roster is so lopsided that every game is a blow out? I like the excitement of a close game. Sure a win is a win but a win in the bottom of the ninth is so much more satisfying then a game that's sealed up by the fourth. Yeah underdog teams can always pull off a win but if a roster has 6 former rookie of the years, all-stars at every position along with multiple golden glove winners then come on, who ever faces them is basically screwed.

It's frustrating to small market teams because they might have the capability of being a powerhouse but once their players reach free agency, the player is wined, dined, then inking a contract for 24 million for a year with the Bronx buttwipes.

At what point should a person think to himself "Ya know, what the fuck am I gonna do with $160 million?" Why not think, "well I kind of like it here in Milwaukee and 100 mil is nothing to sneeze at so why not take the less money and stay here"? I mean seriously! A person plays a sport for a living! Why do we place so much worth on a guy who can throw a slider that gets 'em swinging every time? We can't pay the people who have to teach the kids of this country more then $40,000 but lets fork over the national budget of Sierra Leone and Sao Tome to a left handed pitcher who can give the team 20 quality starts a year.

I'm just sayin'.

I got to thinking what I'd do with 160 million if I ever get offered that much. I wouldn't take it though. I have like even numbers so I'd hold out for 200 mil but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, I've come up with a few things:
1) I'd play the lotto. 160 mil just isn't enough. The probability of winning a state wide lottery is something like 18 million to 1. I'd wait until there was a drawing, then go to the local 7-Eleven after it's declared there hasn't been a winner and buy 19 million lottery tickets. You know, I gotta have a million worth of insurance in case the numbers lie to me! And I'd have to wait until I'd get a substantial return on my investment.
2) I'd get a million dollars in one dollar bills and use it as toilet paper. Sure it might be a federal offense to deface money but I'll argue that once flushed, think of all the happy sewer workers who will find dollar bills floating in a moat of poo. If they choose to pick it out, clean it up some and put it back into circulation then I'm not breaking any laws.
3)I'd buy islands in the Caribbean. I wouldn't splurge of a single one with a value of 30 mil. Oh no. I'd go for about five islands costing about 3 to 5 million. I want to own my very own archipelago!
4) I'd buy a car for every day of the week. But I'd also need a boat for everyday of the week when I'm living on my island chain. Also I'd need a winter fleet and a summer fleet. I can't drive a Rolls in the winter, the salt would be murder on the paint job!
5) I wouldn't buy an airplane. Instead I'd buy a train. I would travel to and fro on my very own 25 car passenger train. It would be equipped with dining, dancing, entertainment and whatever my little heart could dream up.
6) I'd buy the whole world a Coke. No. I wouldn't do that. I'd buy the whole state of Wisconsin a Dr Pepper. Two reasons: I don't like Coke and I don't like everyone in the world but by default I will always hold Wisconsin dear in my heart.
--See I'm banking on the fact my lottery scheme will have worked. And I will also have established residency in Florida since they don't have an income tax so I get more bang for my buck before dirty Uncle Sam takes it away for crazy things like Welfare and child nutrition. How dare the American government try to use my money for such ridiculous programs! I'd also establish residency by buying a house for $250,000 in Florida so I wouldn't get raped on property tax...but Wisconsin screws you over on that too...hmmm. I must find more evil schemes!--
7) I'd dote upon my family. I'd set aside 10 mil to see to their needs. That's a whole lot of Fords and GM's I could buy them! Mommy could tool around in Ford Focus while I tool around in an Aston-Martin, nat. Perhaps I'd set them up with a nice condo in the place of their choice. I'd also splurge on my friends.
---I'd pay cash for everything thing so I would know how much I have spent and how much I have left. None of this mortgage or loan shit. I don't want to have to pay more for something.
8)I'd buy season tickets to the Brewers. How many? The entire field diamond box 121. It's situated behind the visitors dugout so I could heckle and I'd also have a good view of the Brewers dugout so I could drool. I would also have chances of catching foul balls. I'd put velvet ropes up all along my section and sit smack dab in the middle. I'd have a bouncer/valet who regardless of his god given name I'd call Vladimir who'd bounce anyone trying to come into my section. He'd also carry me away on a golden thrown to my car.
9) Every Christmas I'd donate $10,000 to the local Boys and Girls Club. Then go to Wal-Mart and buy what every poor person wants, Ramen Noodles, to donate to the food pantry.
10)I'd commission a nude statue of myself to be the center piece of my herb garden I plan on planting on the roof of my San Francisco house. I'd hire a woman with a better body to do the naked part while the only part that is me is my face. My San Francisco house wouldn't be just any house. I'd buy the house from Full House.
11) I'd go to the Humane Society and adopt dogs. I'd keep the cute ones and do the world a favor by releasing the ugly ones into the wild of Alaska then wait near by with my fleet of snowmobiles as they are ate by polar bears. It's a two-for! Rid the world of mange mutts that no one could ever love and make even more money by betting on which one would get ate first. I'd be guaranteed to win cause no one would have to know I secretly fed a dog ball bearings so he's 20 pounds over weight and can't run as fast. I'd pay off the judge in the Michael Vick case so I could bring Michael along. Then when we're caught I'd blame it on him and everyone would believe me. You don't even want to know what I'd do with the cats.
12) I'd spend tons of money on pens. I'd build the humidor of pens in my basement at every residence I have. That's just how I roll. I may be filthy rich but I'd still be a simple girl who loves pens. I'd clear the shelves of every office supply store in the area and hire an old professor who'd sit in the room and act like the curator of pens. He's document each one, record the date of last use and have a sample of what it looks like when written with so I could choose the perfect writing instrument. He'd have to wear a bow tie and one of those jackets with the elbow pads at all times.

I'd do all that and still have money to wipe my ass with.