Paid by the Pound

Get this. Curt Schilling, a Red Sox pitcher, signed a contract extension for next year with a weight clause. The dude is going to get paid a bonus to not be pudgy! There's something like three random weigh in's and then one every month. He gets $333,333 every time he meets his goal weight. $333,333 for putting down the potato chips and picking up a carrot stick. I think Major League Baseball is on to something. I think that everyone who needs to shed a few should have a money incentive! Let's examine this further...

If we were to pay tubys to become sticks then we might be saving some money in the long run. These people who need to collect money from government programs because their ass is too big to fit through the door will be milking the system for quite sometime. If on the other hand we said look here fatty, you lose 100 pounds and get yourself all healthy we'll give you a couple thousand. The government could use private contractors like Jenny Craig and Nutrasystem to provide food at a low low cost! Get the Y to have a discount rate. This wouldn't fly for the people who need to shed a few lbs. This would be for those who are classified as obese by the BMI.

Alright so we have a solution to getting people to slim down but how about a prevention? Well...what about a Sin tax? We hike up the cost of cigarettes because we know that they probably will kill you. Maybe we should hike up the price of Cheetos. No, no I don't like that because there are a few of us who likes to eat them...in MODERATION! (oh Ashley, tell me you know who says that?) I know! The government gives tax breaks to people who drive hybrids so what about giving a tax break to those who fit in the proper weight category for their height/build/age? Every year you'd have to go see the doctor, he'd sign off on your weight, send it directly to the IRS so you couldn't fudge it. Plus then more people might go to the doctor and get a little more preventive medicine. But the government would have to pay the doctors for their time, or give them yet another tax break for having to do the work.

Naturally not everyone would be satisfied with the system. There are the few who have an eating addiction (oh btw, we'd penalize the people with bulimia and anorexia to get them to eat more) so in those such cases exceptions would have to be made. But in many cases, people are just lazy asses who'd rather grab a cheeseburger, fries and a large soda than oh I don't know a freaking sub?

I'm brilliant. Thank you Curt Schilling.